The Evolving Couple: Moving from Conflict to Growth
Conflict Styles
When it comes to couples therapy, I see many types of couples.
Maybe you can recognize yourselves below:
You are constantly fighting. Sometimes it’s hard to say why. You weren’t always this way! At the beginning you agreed on so much. There was passion, connection, and goodwill, but, now, the positive aspects of your relationship are dwindling and the criticisms, disappointments, verbal attacks or disengagement are stacking up.
Something happened. Something changed the sense of security you once had within the relationship. One of you did something to jeopardize the bond. One of you was tempted to stray. Perhaps there was an infidelity. Maybe the bond got jeopardized in other ways. We can feel abandoned by an affair, our partner’s outsized focus on work, abuse of drugs and alcohol, or simply due to a partner being physically or emotionally absent during a crucial time.
You are the kind of couple that rarely fights. In fact, it’s hard to talk about the difficulties. Both of you prefer to let things go. It doesn’t feel like any one thing went wrong. It’s just hard to find the excitement in your connection. The relationship feels passionless, disengaged, and too quiet.
There is a sporadic quality to your connection. The two of you get close, but don’t ever seem to get close enough. One of you may be in the role of pursuing while the other withdraws, or perhaps both of you have a tendency to withdraw. It feels like the relationship sometimes lacks both depth and stability.
It seems like only one of you gets to have a voice, gets to have his or her needs met, or gets to have feelings. The other partner feels minimized. Maybe both of you feel minimized, at times, or the two of you get stuck in roles that feel limiting and ungratifying.
Time to Grow
If you find yourself stuck in one of these conflict styles, it’s time to get help.
We never intend to get lost. So many of us start our relationships happy and optimistic about the future. We dream about a life in partnership, and we dream about how to make our lives grow, together. The beginning of the relationship starts with so much promise.
As a relationship matures, however, we meet inevitable conflicts and challenges. So many of us did not receive the necessary tools to know how to navigate intimacy, love and healthy dependency, while also navigating our, sometimes, conflicting needs for both freedom and connection. We were never taught that conflicts are normal- that we’re meant to meet the differences. Most of us never learned how to meet those differences with both honesty and kindness.
We were never taught how to have difficult conversations, and we never learned that those difficult conversations could actually lead to greater intimacy and love.
From New Love to Mature Love
If you find yourself here, there is hope! There are ways to restore goodwill and move into kinder, love-engendering ways of being.
The beginning of a relationship is novel and exciting. The initial attraction is powerful and feels binding, but, that’s not enough to sustain us into maturity.
For those of us who have never had a model for what mature love looks like, engaging in couple’s counseling is a chance to grow. As heady and wonderful as those early days were, couples therapy won’t simply be about returning to earlier dynamics in the relationship. We will be moving into new territory, and what lies ahead is just as rich and fulfilling. What lies ahead is mature love - love that allows both partners room to grow. Mature love creates the ground for real intimacy between two people while also allowing space for each partner to be more fully themselves.
We’re all meant to grow and evolve in our relationships. Change comes knocking on the door and beckons us to move into new possibilities. I hope you’re willing to take the next steps! Mature love requires courage, challenges us, and is worth the effort.